I'm so sorry and sad to hear this. I actually 
started to cry at the 6th line. But I always 
think of cat death first when I hear someone's 
sad... it's the most horrible thing I've been 
through.

I lost so many, the worst being 1 dog, 1 fox, 3 
cats, about 10 rats, 2 mice, 3? hamsters, 1 fish, 
5 rabbits I cried for,...
And the fox will haunt me forever. 

Lucky

Brutus

Felix I found dead by the main road, the same day 
one year after our dog got killed by car. I lock 
my pets and myself up every August 27th now. Can 
you tell how I felt, trying to sleep after having 
burried a cat to whom I swore, "If I lose you, I 
want to die, too"? Felix helped me out of my 
extreme phobia of going outside the house, 
because I was fat and teased and mobbed. He gave 
me confidence.


Then Baby Taichou in 2001 who got sick at the 
youngest age and fought a disease for 9 months 
without us knowing it'll kill him. 9 months of 
empty hope. All other cats infected with that 
disease, FIP, die no longer than 2 months later. 
He's my role model to be ever-strong and 
stubborn. (this also explains my relentless 
backfire in arguments) (I prayed to God to take 
me, not the cheerful little kitten, I really did)


Baby Taichou dying

Then his sis Misao, 2001. Same disease, but we 
were prepared. She suffered, but we couldn't put 
her down - and she turned out to have had 4 happy 
last weeks, so we don't regret it. It made it 
easier, but when you leave for school (exams, 
otherwise I'd have staid home), close the door to 
the dying cat and suddenly hear her whine... come 
back in, kiss her, go back out, and hear her call 
again...


Misao's last day


The only time I didn't cry for a dear pet was 
when Yuppi, my rat, died. He was my ever-joining 
side-kick, but he had a fullfilled life (49 
descendants), and when I found him dying, I took 
him for a last nightwalk, and then took him to 
bed with me, as I promised him the day I found he 
loves me (he got up the moment I did every 
morning, to have a walk).


Then going into a gift shop to buy a heart-shaped 
gift box, to bury the pet in, and try not to cry 
aloud...

And then the same problem you have. Having 5 more 
cats left to die in the end, and 3 of them being 
part of myself. I know how it feels, to be unable 
to describe your love and holding on to them with 
words, but I know my life'd be empty forever if I 
lost more them.

I can't give you much advice, I only know you can 
end up mourning for years. But hold on to those 
you still have, share your grief with others.
Also, don't try too cheer up too hard just yet. 
The more you cry, the more you mourn now, the 
better you feel later. It may sound mean, but 
it's best to keep grieving for a few months, as I 
myself feel terrible with the tears I suppressed 
that can't come back up now. While I so want them 
to be shed at last.

One thing I think I can tell is, your cats know. 
When we brought home dead Felix, his girlfriend 
Lottje started chirping sadly, searching the 
living room for his favourite spots, sniffing 
them, but avoiding his body in our arms.
Don't underestimate the emotional perception of 
animals. Lucy, too, took a harsh blow when her 
son Taichou died. She cared for him more than for 
the other 4 babies. When he died, his brother 
Souzou came to lick his head.

As for me, I'm very prone to crying. While typing 
this, it came all back up. Currently, I'm working 
on a page dedicated to them. Maybe you should, 
too? It's important to share!


Aya lost in nightmares...

Take care,
Anna